What is loss? Do we define it in the same way? Its interesting to feel that I have lost you when you are still so prevalent in my life. But you remind me time and time again that we are best friends, that we had our time.. but I lost you.. I lost my lover, I lost my boyfriend, I lost that adoration that I took for granted for four years, I lost those late night phone call that were promised daily, I lost that morning text--the one making sure that I have a perfect day coming for me, I lost that shoulder to cry on, that smile on your face when I walked through the door, I lost those long phone calls about nothing that imbedded a smile on I couldn’t wipe off my face for hours, I lost those long hugs that always felt too short, I lost those loving kisses, the ones that nobody in this world would match. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I didn’t gain. I gained more than I would have ever imagined. I gained four years of trust, I learned, I loved, I was loved, I grew stronger.. stronger than I ever thought possible, I had strength in times I felt I may truly crumble. My heart grew bigger, I learned to feel, I gained the self-confidence to look in the mirror and see what you saw, I gained a best friend, one who loves me to this day—as a person, but one who fell out of love with me. I learned what my mom meant when she said that she loved my dad UNCONDITIONALLY. I learned not to plan ahead, because planning leaves me like this- sitting on my couch alone thinking, “but we were supposed to move in together,” “but we were supposed to have 5 children.” So in the end, of course I didn’t lose, but why do I still feel so empty late at night. Yes, the teddy bears get me through some nights, yes- re-reading old texts, emails, messages, looking at old pictures.. those all hold me over.. and then I break down. But again I am reminded that I still have you—you are my best friend; I can pick up the phone and talk to you right now, more easily that I can talk to anyone else in this world.. but why? Why isn’t that enough for me? Because I don’t want to just talk to you about my day or the weather, I want to run over and jump in your arms and cry myself back to sanity. Because you are the one person in the world who can listen to me rant and cry my eyes out and magically bring me back to a perfectly happy reality. Because I love you. I gained a life long best friend, but lost the only person I will ever love.
