u n r e a l

it was unreal. it still is.

the way i had to    drop and cover    was unreal.  

the way i-- no. we had to    scurry and hide   was unreal

the look on people's faces, the intensity with which they ran 

the way my heart beat, so fast, almost exploding out of my chest

the way i hold on to my friends in a massive chain as if i was holding on to my life

it was all unreal, unbelievable

the first thought: "this can't be happening"

the second thought: there wasn't a second thought- my mind went BLANK

fear, frustration, and angst took over

the shots felt 5 ft away

that noise has become the soundtrack of my life the past four days

they keep ringing in my head over and over again

why? why would someone just walk into a party and SHOOT? 

i felt completely helpless-- unable to help myself and others-- all I could do is hide

a mild anxiety attack accompanied by what felt like a minor heart attack all because people decided to shoot up a party on a casually fun Saturday night.

a risk to the lives of the innocent completely disregarded

unexpected and unbelievable

the flashbacks, the thoughts

they all run through my mind like an on-going, never ending movie reel-- a horror movie

looking back on it everything happened so fast, but a minute felt like an hour at the time

every time the reality of the unrealness plays in my mind i can't help but cry,  my airways constrict and this feeling of resentment resides over me. 

an        u n r e a l         reality nobody ever expects to experience. 

I want to find a man who will dance with me the way Johnny dances with Baby :)

One Month. Just One Month. In that time we entered and re-entered each other's lives countless times. I don't even know what brought us back to each other so many times, but I sure as hell knew that we couldn't let each other go. It almost felt like we had a magnet inside each of us, pulling at each other's core-- pulling us right back into each other's arms, into each other's lives. But why couldn't we settle down, commit to each other and sit at peace? One month turned into three, and three months turned into seven. Seven Months. Just seven months of "taking it slow"sharing an intense physical and emotional attraction without actually being intimate. Seven months went by and our secret emotional unsaid relationship grew-- it felt like we had known each other for years. Late night phone calls. Afternoon walks. Sunday morning hikes for miles while being immersed into the souls of one another. Perhaps we were together in another universe, there had to be a reason why we were so attached. 

But Month Eight was different. Month Eight felt real. Not "take me out to dinner, open my door, hold my hand real"-- he already did that; and not "talk to me on the phone until sunrise, and ask me personal questions real"-- he did that too.  But real on a whole other level-- a free, secure, real.  A "I can't get enough of you, I want to just listen to your voice talk, I can't stop staring at your beauty" real. 

And Five Months after that. One year into whatever it was we were doing or having, it happened. Last night we were sitting in his car and he stared at me. He stared at me for a while, with a longing stare. At that moment my heart dropped into my stomach, and he kissed me. Grabbed my face, pulled me closer, leaned in, and I gently felt his lips land upon mine. He kissed me, after one whole year. 

And reality hit me. This whole year it was real-- real without a title or a five word question, "Will you be my girlfriend?" real. Because there were thousands of other questions he would ask, and millions of other conversations we would have- it was real, without sex, without intimacy, without foreplay-- it was  a real and raw, a controlled relationship. A free, secure, carefree, exclusive, loving, worry-free, caring realness, where he protected me and took care of me, without consciously thinking about it. It was as real as second-nature to him, as real as my smile when I first met him, and as real as our kiss last night. 

It was Really a Real Reality.  

"The best thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain." -- Bob Marley

I know, you love being able to listen to a song-- lyrics, melody, instruments alone, all of it together and travel to a specific moment in time, and relive certain memories.
You can be at your lowest point, and listen to a song, where the artist can relate to you, and release you of that pain.
Music hypes you up, Music calms you down. Music-- lyrics, they understand you, they feel you.
Music is a form of art. A soothing mechanism. Music controls your emotions, in all aspects. Within movies as the soundtrack, enhancing the genre. Music brings back memories, evokes laughter, pulls out the tears, and heals a sore wound.

Song of the day: Break by Three Days Grace

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make a difference that you have lived-- and lived well."

Song of the Day:

Quotes of the Day:

"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed."

"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader." - Robert Frost

"And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world.  And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual."

Today I am thankful
I am thankful that I was able to wake up to a beautiful family and live another day.
I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to have a car -- to drive to an interview-- and to find out that I got a job by the end of the day.
I am grateful that there are people in my life that care about me.
I am thankful that I can find peace within my day by simply enjoying a new hike.
I am thankful that people can look at me and find beauty within me-- physically, and emotionally.
I am thankful that I am able to be active.
At the end of the day, I am grateful that there is a higher being that I can thank for keeping me healthy day after day.

“Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. Once, you must fall
in love with your bestfriend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach
you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.
Once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. You will learn
that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less
than you deserve. And once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly
like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. And
when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you
the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones
that needed you the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept
and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every
person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.”

I THANK GOD EACH AND EVERYDAY FOR THE PERSON I FELL IN LOVE WITH. HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND BEFORE. HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND AFTER. AND AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH, HE IS STILL MY BEST FRIEND. I GOT LUCKY :) 
He was always my best friend, he was perfect in my eyes, and some days, just like me. I have grown because of him, and I continue to grow with him. Thank you world :)

To the one that holds his heart,

This may sound cliche, but if you hurt him, I will stalk you and legit. kick. your. ass! Now I'm pretty sure you have unwillingly heard of me, but let me, let you in on a little secret- I know all about you. I have my ways, don't attempt questioning it- you won't succeed. I just want to make sure that the man I love with every fiber of my body is getting what he deserves. Since I haven't already interrogated the daylights out of you or tortured you, consider yourself lucky.. for now-I guess you're an alright girl.

But here are a couple tips for you. Always remember that he doesn't use the term "love" loosely. If he loves you, he puts his all into it and you better make sure to appreciate it. Keep the sex fun and passionate. Keep him pleased, but tease him a little. He LOVES a challenge even when he says he can't resist you. If you have plans at a certain time, tell him its two hours before it really is! Remember that he will put his mom, and his one and only best friend before you-- get on their good side, and respect that. Don't cross your boundaries with him. Pamper him, Nurture him, but don't suffocate him or cling on-- he is a kid at heart, but nonetheless still a man. Lastly, remember to have patience, and take the initiative to key in to his thoughts and emotions. He is all over the place, and he will always be. He thinks too much. He is a perfectionist. BUT if your wise, you'll learn to read him, and know when he needs your emotional support. Remember to love him deeply and remember that he is the BEST thing that will EVER happen to you. Goodluck-- it won't be an easy ride, but it will be well worth it-- he may be the one to hold on to your heart forever. Don't fuck this up.

Sincerely,
The one who lost him