Two years has lapsed since you told me that you didn't feel the same about me anymore. Two years since you told me you wanted to build boundaries between us. Two years feels like not a minute has gone by, it feels like time stopped but I kept living, and I never really heard those feelings.
Two years later, today, I woke up and realized that time actually does not stand still and that I've been living a life that didn't recognize your lack of love in hopes that it never wavered. I couldn't consume that boundaries meant halting a series of anticipated daily rituals-- morning texts, late night calls, slip-ins of sexual remarks, etc.. I couldn't understand playing such a different role in your life-- if at that point I even had one.
Today, I look at the canvas of our lives with clarity. I realize that we are now painting two completely different portraits in far distanced galleries with altered intentions. I realize the fight I've had in me all these years must be redirected in fighting for myself, in hope to find the love I have for myself. I have to fight the fear of not being in your life, the fear of moving on and starting over, the fear of never being capable of feeling emotions that run so deep for another soul again, and the fear of exploring myself outside of who I grew to be with you. I have to fight the desire to run back in your arms, the desire to cry on your shoulder, the need for you to bring my chaotic world to a calming peace, and the habit of dialing your number when any heart-pounding, heart-shattering, life-altering event occurs in my life.
Today, I grasp the concept of time and recognize each day will be a step towards the light. I have faith that I will get through this and on this journey I will learn all sorts of things about myself. I won't lie, in the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart, I want to be able to let go in hopes that one day you will realize that you want to fight for me, and that having faith in our love is enough. But all that hope does is confuse my clarity, and then I remember, this new portrait is about hopes and faith and my dreams, only about me-- apart from you, apart from "us" and as scary as that sounds; it is okay, it will be okay.
Today, I know that I love you, and that I will always love you, but today I am letting go just a little more. I don't know how you feel today, but I have faith that whatever you may be feeling, and whatever I'm feeling is something that the both of us can handle. With faith. With belief. With dreams. With Hope.
Love today,
Faith
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